Her Majesty's Treatise on Bears

This all started with the song Lorelai was singing on the way home from preschool, a song in a Native American tongue that I have yet to identify.  I swear I have to start tape recording these car conversations:

Lorelai sings her song

[pause]

Lorelai:  I’m so hungry I could eat a bear.

Mom: You need to be careful because the bear might eat you.

Lorelai:  Do you want to eat a bear?

Mom:  No, they’re probably tough and all gristle.

Lorelai:  Indians ate the whole bear and the gristly skin.

Mom:  Yes, Indians believed in using every part of any animal that they caught.

[pause]

Lorelai:  But you can’t eat bears.

Mom:  That’s right

Lorelai:  Because they will eat you.

Mom:  They might.  It’d be a good idea to stay out of any bear’s way.

[pause]

Lorelai:  And bears will scratch you with their sharp fingernails.

Mom: Claws?

Lorelai:  Yes, bears have sharp claws, and they will scratch you.  Or eat you.  Or maybe scratch you.

[pause]

Lorelai:  Some bears are mean.

Mom:  Just some bears?

Lorelai: [deliberates] No, all bears are mean.

Mom:  Okay, all bears are mean.

Lorelai:  Except gummy bears.  Gummy bears are nice.

Mom:  Okay, all bears are mean except Gummy bears.

Lorelai:  Some bears live in the jungle.

Mom:  Do all bears live in the jungle?

Lorelai:  Noooooo!  Yes, all bears live in the jungle.

Mom:  What about polar bears?

Lorelai:  [decides to ignore that exception to her blanket proclamation] But bears will eat you if you try to eat them first!

Mom:  [Noncommittal agreement noise]

Lorelai:  Can we go to Chick-fil-a?