An Open Letter to Young Ladies Everywhere

Dear young ladies (and by young I mean pretty much anyone who shops in the PINK section of Victoria's Secret--a generous definition of young for some of us, I know):

We need to talk.

Now that I've reached the advanced age of thirty-mumble-mumble, I feel I understand a few things about life. I don't like to rummage around in the underwear drawers of other women, but this is more about a philosophy of life than a pair of underwear. I know, I know. It's on your butt. You can't see it. Even if you look in a mirror, you're going to have to read it backwards. Call me crazy, but I'm afraid that this saying is going to somehow be absorbed through your booty and make it's way up to your brain. Yeah, I know. I'm paranoid like that.

Just promise me, please, that you will not wear this pair of underwear:

I know what you're thinking. You expected a thong? I'll save my lecture on the hygiene dangers of thongs and why they should only be a "sometimes underwear" for another day. Or maybe you expected a diatribe about why you shouldn't wear "Juicy"? Really. That should be self-explanatory.

Don't ever consider yourself a "Sure Thing." Don't sell yourself short. Make 'em work for it, and never give up an inch of your sexuality you don't want to give. Even if you're feeling particularly generous, think twice because there are some things that, once you have given them up, you simply can't get back.

But what if the underwear isn't talking about that? Even if that is the case, which I doubt since we are talking about a pair of panties for heaven's sake, very few things in life are a "Sure Thing." Be cautiously optimistic and always believe in yourself, but sometimes we need to make mistakes in order to grow and learn. Sometimes we have to be a little uncertain about people or ideas.

Finally, you're asking, Sally, why do you have this pair of underwear if you're going to pontificate on such a trivial subject? Hello? Have you met me? I wasn't paying any attention to what I was doing. I grabbed the proper color to match my sports bra, and I got excited about matching underwear because it's not something that happens that often. I decided to make a sacrifice to have the right color in the right size. Besides, they were all out of "Self-Esteem" and "Complex Middle Ground" underwear.

Go forth, young women. Prove us all wrong when we shake our heads and talk about how youth is wasted on the young. Prove us wrong when we say that the next generation is going to be corrupted by the overt sexuality of the world around us. And when you become the execs in charge of making up sayings for underwear? Just don't.

Love,
Me